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Literature Text
she told me tales in black and white,
and i swear i never saw so much colour
splayed throughout history.
so much baring beauty,
bold in its step, thumping and heaving itself
upon the flesh of our ancestors.
We are a product of what We decimate,
she told me, proving it
with a series of equations
and a hard stare.
you and i and We are no longer colour.
We have become a conglomerate
so dense
that the fragments
are now enclosed in the cell
of the matrix
and you and i and We
are really
just a rock.
and i swear i never saw so much colour
splayed throughout history.
so much baring beauty,
bold in its step, thumping and heaving itself
upon the flesh of our ancestors.
We are a product of what We decimate,
she told me, proving it
with a series of equations
and a hard stare.
you and i and We are no longer colour.
We have become a conglomerate
so dense
that the fragments
are now enclosed in the cell
of the matrix
and you and i and We
are really
just a rock.
Literature
Mapleine
there's a lamp post
behind those trees
and it looks like a forest
fire
she calls nine one one
but by the time the
paramedics arrive,
it's too late, she's already
dead
Literature
luciferase
avian flu was in the air; two
continents away the ground was shaking, my eyes
were stimming away the scorpio moon and
i was thinking about the
ocean, how it is a blunt guillotine, the knot
of their lives: pondering fish and
gills slender as a pipe
dream. how only
they know the way we met. wednesday,
lunenburg, sunpoint. you were the harbor seals
their swim like sublimation. the convict cichlids—
death, in neptune.
Literature
genetic
and
i was a landslide; you should have seen me
desperate for the
alcoholic lungs in my chest
to swallow the sea
like it had done before
when i wanted to drown
in the same
rigor mortis of my ancestors
before me
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This is late-night time with Calculus and pondering the "melting pot".
I need critique! This is a first draft, and I would like to improve it!
What is the effect of the capitalization of the "We" in the piece? Is there an effect? How about the "she"? Does the identification of a gender have any effect on how this is read? Is there really a point to the recognition of an outside influence on this poem? Any weaknesses/strengths in certain spots of the piece?
EDIT: A small change in the last stanza, hoping to dress it up just slightly. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback
I need critique! This is a first draft, and I would like to improve it!
What is the effect of the capitalization of the "We" in the piece? Is there an effect? How about the "she"? Does the identification of a gender have any effect on how this is read? Is there really a point to the recognition of an outside influence on this poem? Any weaknesses/strengths in certain spots of the piece?
EDIT: A small change in the last stanza, hoping to dress it up just slightly. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback
© 2011 - 2024 Alleyana
Comments13
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I like this! nice little bit of alliteration in the second stanza :3
Yeah, I like how you've capitalised the 'we'. it almost identifies it as a single entity, even though it determines multiple subjects. 'you and i and We' is good too, it separates you and i and adds more attention to we. not so sure what the identification of a gender does, though. the penultimate stanza is almost reminiscent of 'the party', really. the poem could've been spoken by winston smith xD
it's good though. perhaps you could add strength to it by using more powerful words in some places. not just plosives and the like, but strong words. for example, although irrelevant - 'slaughtered' it's quite a powerful word, if you think about it. you could try using the strongest sense of some of the verbs in here like... I dunno, really.
here's an idea. instead of 'part of the matrix', try 'cell'. it's harsher, and has connotations of imprisonment.
hope I helped!